Recollection

What does a divorced father know about motherhood and all encompassing love? The knowledge of such things have eluded me for so long; what could I now to attain such wisdom?

I am not even sure that I deserve such knowledge.

Now looking back over the years, I realized that in the temperance of my youth, I could not have known, simply because I did not want to see. See the truth of life and the things other than the material of life, the physical, the visible, the safe world we know, or at least the world someone else knows.

Is that not that we don't want to think, we simply do not want to know about the other, the world that we do not see, hear, smell or taste. We dare not aim to the stars, because all we can see is how far we might fall in order to reach out and touch them.

We dare not think new ideas, the kind of ideas that will brand us traitors, heretics, simply any form of opposition to the norm.

Why is it that we love the norm so much, we do not dare, to move from the world we love so much and we will fight to the teeth and our fingers to the bone, to protect our little piece of land.

Thinking back to my questioning of the norm from as early as six years of age and daring to further enhance my learning of infinity of the Universe, God whomever he or she might be, to learn from where It began. A simplistic answer by a young woman, much too young to be a teacher, not because of age, but simply because of the inadequate knowledge in herself could not answer a mere six year young boy, to the start of the Universe ... how could she have known ?

Oh, what a long road I have taken; Looking back, god damn, it was exciting! Never a dull moment. But looking back on the flares of temper, tantrums and just outright, well being a child.

I can still to this day forgive my parents, they did not know any better, where was their example? They simply did not know.

But it was in the eyes and ears of the older ones in the family did I manage to learn from a young age, what motherhood could be. Not what it ought to be.

Tradition was my enemy and procrastination my foe.

Challenges day after day, from the home, supposed to be loving, but the members only acted upon secondhand information handed down by the establishment in all it's glory.

How can you know right from wrong in life when the church does not provide you with all the knowledge and facts? You fight on instinct.

Instinct ... but what is instinct, when is it accurate, when is it my ego, my voice and not the divine that speaks? I simply did not know, and even now, the correct voice does not always come forward on request. Still to the present day, that small voice is sometimes drowned out, to my dismay.

How can you fumble along if you do not have the tools?